Save Some For Me and Her

When I woke up this morning, I felt like a change was in order. So the very first thing I did was open my eyes, stay in the exact same position I had just woken up in, and screamed "FUCK!" as loud as I fucking could. I heard a sqeal and the sound of a door closing. That would be my neighbor Alice, getting out for her morning jog. Maybe she was leaving for work.
"Fuck you, Jacob!" She screamed at me.I just laughed. Alice was fun to screw with, although it did seem like maybe she was starting to get tired of all the shit I gave her.
"Sorry about that, Alice," I said to myself. 'I should probably apologize to her when she gets home from work' owas a thought that crossed my mind. But for the time being, I had something to laugh about for the day and moreso something to wake me up. Satisfied with that being all the change the morning really needed, I went through the standard morning routine everyone has: shower, get dressed, eat, shit, brush teeth, leave.
As I went about this final step, I started thinking about what I'd occupy the day with. For some damn reason my two days off each week were Wednesday and Friday. It was a Friday. I decided on buying groceries as my hand hit my car door a few inches below the handle. This wasn;t terribly uncommon for me, as I'm never very aware before I start driving, and even that's not guaranteed to grab my attention. But today, something else did.
"What the hell... Oh, goddammit Alice!" I yelled. Looking down at my car, it was evident that she had been on her way to work. The length and a good portion of the height of my car had been keyed. It didn't even say anything. It was just a bunch of random scratches fucking up a fading paint job. Ignoring my anger, I opened my door, sat down, started the car, backed out, and drove to the store.
By the time I got to the store I had mostly forgotten about Alice fucking up my car. I did my shopping in a very unplanned manner: milk, bread, pasta, eggs, chips, cereal, booze, and in the checkout line, I picked up a pack of gum. I loaded up my groceries, got in the car, started it up, and started driving home.
About two miles from my house, I passed a restaurant I'd never been to and decided to stop by. It was almost 11:00, and even though I'd eaten that morning, the food hadn't been very good and I hadn't had very much of it. After I parked, I took the groceries out of the back seat and put them in the trunk. I guess that's how I was trying to make up for the fact that I wasn't going straight home with them. After that, I walked in, saw that the sign said seat yourself, and seated myself.
Roughly five minutes later, a waiter walked up to me, smiling. "Hello, sir. Can I start you off with a drink? Maybe an appetizer too?"
I looked at him. "Water's fine. And I guess I'll have the appetizer sampler platter."
He smiled wider. "Alright, sir. Great choices. I'll be right out with your drink."
"No hurry." I watched him walk away. I did the same after he brought out my drink. I watched the other people in the restaurant until he brought out my food. "This is gonna be it for me, so could I get the check out of the way now?"
Again with the smile. "Of course, sir." I watched him walk away a third time whille I ate a chicken wing off of the plate in front of me. I watched him every single time he brought me something. The food was mediocre, so I found that more entertaining. When I was done, I went out to my car, started it, and drove home.
As I parked my car and got out, I was reminded of what Alice had done. I only had one bag of groceries, and sitting right on top was the double carton of eggs I had bought. I looked up and saw that Alice had left a window open, and decided on what I was going to do. One by one, I threw each egg through her window until they were all gone. Then I threw the milk. I followed that by crushing up all the other food I had just bought and throwing it through her window too.
Satisfied, I grabbed my booze, closed my trunk, and went inside. Alice usually got home around 6:30, so I decided to start drinking around 6:00. For the time being, I took out a piece of gum and started chewing it.